he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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