i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
