someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize