That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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