Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
