Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
