Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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