This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
