theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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