You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
