I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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