nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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