this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize