I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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