I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
