She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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