How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
