dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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