I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
