also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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