Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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