he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
