I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
