2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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