I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
