theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
