There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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