shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize