apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
