Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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