If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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