Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
