Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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