what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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