You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
