i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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