A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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