when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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