No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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