I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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