i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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