Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
