I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize