Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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