all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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