i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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