just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
