Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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