Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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