and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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