im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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