my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
