Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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