Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
