Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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