im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
